Feature: Ari is Recession-Proof and You Can Be Too!

Whatever lies the media tells us, this country is still in a deep recession.  The unemployment rate in this country is still 10% and rising.  Inflation is making your pay check look more pathetic every week.  Small businesses are being forced to close its doors and allow major retail giants to takeover.  But never fear my friend.  Ari “40 oz. Gold” is always looking out for the people and holding the little guy in the highest priority.  I sometimes feel like my whole life, I’ve been in a recession and I have solutions for the public.  Here is another list of my handy and useful tips to keep some extra change in your pocket.  If you don’t read on, you could be missing out on the best financial advice that even H&R Block can’t give you.

  • Run the block stupid:  Sure, many of you non-conventional laborers out there are finding other sources of monetary gain.  But if you haven’t noticed, not many people can afford to splurge on such things as a dime sack or a bootleg these days.  Have a lot of spare time on your hands?  You may think you run the block but to kill some time, you can actually run around the block.  This is an excellent way to stay in shape and be prepared to flee from the police or crazy baby mamas.
  • Improv off-stage: Jobs are tough to come by these days.  I’m sure many of us have had interims between jobs.  Picking up part-time gigs is something I know all too much about.  But instead of becoming desperate and working at Quiznos, improvise and you’ll see great returns.  I saw a fellow last weekend posted up by a phone booth.  For an hour or two, he pretended like he was talking on the phone on a very busy street.  The guy asked every single person that passed him on the street for a quarter to continue talking on the phone and IT WORKED.  This guy must have made 2-3 bucks a minute just in a quarters.  This all was made possible through a little creativity and persistence. IMPROVISE MAN!
  • European transportation: Do you know why Americans are so fat?  Because we drive everywhere!  We are pretty damn lazy and it’s a damn shame.  Do you know why many Europeans are thin?  Because they walk and bike everywhere in their towns.  Instead of following your ridiculous fad diets, why don’t you try walking to get around more?  Instead of taking the train home from midtown to lower Manhattan, just walk it and enjoy the scenery.  Sure rush hour traffic isn’t fun to look at.  But you’ve been incarcerated all day at work, enjoy the fresh/smoggy air for an hour or so.
  • Running on the bill without running: So you have a date tomorrow night, huh?  But you have no money to take her to a nice place.  Perfect!  Normally in this case scenario, I’d say take her to McDonald’s, but she’s probably a lot classier than the girls I date.  Cook her the meal of her life!  Go to Pathmark/KeyFood/C-Town or whatever supermarket is near you and buy some stuff to cook.  Nothing overly fancy but a little chicken or pasta would probably be appreciated.  If the person doesn’t want to meet at your house, HAVE A PICNIC!  What girl doesn’t think a picnic is romantic?  Sandwiches and sodas eaten on top of a blanket.  GENIUS!  And friendly on your wallet.
  • I got 5 on it: Your lifestyle, like most people is probably changing.  The right thing to do is adjust your nightlife accordingly and not spend as much going out.  Working people spend anywhere from $20-80 going out in a single night.  Instead, spend $5 at the bodega.  That 5 bucks can get you a forty (of your choice…I prefer Colt 45) and a couple of dutches or a 22oz beer.  That to me sounds like a party!  Enjoy your beverage at you apartment, stoop, local park or even at someone else’s place.  Who knows, maybe there is a house party going on in the neighborhood.  Enjoy responsibly.
  • Bah-Humbug: Holiday season is right around the corner and you know what that means!  Seeing relatives and eating your aunt’s lame-ass tuna fish surprise.  But this isn’t the worst part.  Its giving gifts!  You never know what to get somebody that you see maybe once a year.  Easiest possible solution, buy a book.  A book isn’t necessarily a bad gift but an affordable one.  Places like Strands Book store or your neighbor’s front stoop makes a great place to shop for the holidays.  Have you ever heard the phrase, knowledge is power?  Well giving a book is the greatest gift of all, an opportunity for a loved one to expand their mind.  And keep in mind, porn does not count.
  • Entertainment: The movie theater is a ripoff.  Let’s face it!  Charging 12 bucks to see a film is highway robbery and I really try to not pay it.  Call me cheap or crazy but I just can’t afford to see movies in theaters all the time.  My two favorite sources of entertainment these days seem to be bootlegs and streaming video.  It’s crazy to see how many movies are posted and television shows are archived.  I watch all my HBO programming online and I’m not ashamed of it.  Majority of the time the quality is pretty damn good too.  When all else fails, that crackhead that comes into the barbershop with a bag of goodies most likely has a few DVDs in his bag that he’ll give up for a couple of bucks.

I hope some of these little tips can come in handy.  I have plenty more to reveal but I’ll save that for when we meet.  I’m sure a lot of you laughed a bit at some of these and would never consider them in a million years.  As time will pass, you will see the wisdom that Mr. 40 oz Gold has put before you and thank me for saving you and many others a few dollars.  Now get out there and save yourself some money!


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